9 Dec 25
Mental health stuff ahead i guess by solarcircuits
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I just want to ramble about smth I've noticed today, you can skip this if you're sensitive to mental health talk and stuff, trust me I get it.
I didn't realise it until today but I guess i've identified a trigger??? Idk if that's the correct term to use but essentially when certain things are brought up, it makes me freeze up a bit i guess. My day started out fine but I had a friend unknowingly send something that made me uncomfortable and I've only just realised that it's a reoccuring thing that happens. Like I can see what's set me off from other situations now.
I'm gonna ramble about some personal stuff here so if you don't want to see it you don't have to. I guess I just want to put this somewhere since I don't get to talk about it.
I think it's because it was kind of out of my control and I just wasn't expecting it. Quick info dump about me for context but I've had alot of my boundaries pushed and ignored by alot of people in my life, family included. I'm trying to lessen the impact they've had on me by saying that but It's left me as a very skittish and emotionaly strung out person. I don't know how to emphasize the severity of it but I had a lot of problems as a teenager that should have been sorted and still impact me to this day. I'm not all there to put it lightly. I've had to deal with alot of stuff I shouldn't have had to from a young age but I'm coping and I'm doing okay atm. It's relevent i swear.
Essentially, this friend I've had through all of this has very poor mental health, I have had to help them through multiple crisis's growing up. However, since growing up they've found other ways of coping and have genuinely made loads of progress, I'm really proud of them. But also with this, I haven't had to deal with a situation like that for a few years and I'm still struggling to proccess alot of what I've been through, my days aren't particularly sunshine and rainbows but I deal with it how I can. Last night this friend had a very bad night but had the support systems in place to keep them safe and I thought that was it, they don't expect that type of thing from me anymore. However, this morning they were talking about their night and had just dropped a bit of a bomb of information that I don't think they realise how jarring it was to see. They obviously didn't mean anything from it but from that point on my day kind of passed in a daze.
I obviously recognise they had no intention to purposefully make people uncomfortable, I just hadn't expected to have to process something like that again. It's just left me really off-kilter. I think I'm just frustrated about it. They know I don't respond well to stuff like this, I think i felt a bit betrayed??? it was just kind of thrown in there very casually, like they hadn't really thought about it, which i guess they wouldn't have considering everything. I literally just can't process things like that anymore, It's like it flips a switch in my head and I'm in a completely different mood. I guess I maybe expected a bit of consideration before they put that stuff into a group chat. This isn't the first time they've done it either, like I said I've been there through multiple situations and talking about it after. Idk if they wanted to emphasize the severity of the type of night they had but like maybe a warning would have been nice. It wasn't a topic you just bring up so casually.
It's no-ones fault obviously, it's just hurt me a bit. I don't talk about stuff like this at all and while I've mentioned my current situation to this friend, I don't think they are fully aware how much it is still affecting me. It's why I wanted to talk about it here I suppose. It's somewhere online, someone may stumble across it. i don't get to talk about stuff like this at all. If you have read this, I apologise for the rant and I want to clarify that I am doing okay, just working through some stuff :))
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